This is something I have been putting off writing for quite a while.

“What do I say?”
“How do I say it?”
“Should I even write it?”

With Family Day being today, I finally decided to share something that has been going on in my life over the last little while.

One year ago yesterday, I was getting ready to go on a cold, February hike with some friends. I shared some laughs, felt happy, and had the experience of a lifetime.
Out of nowhere, I was hit, smack dab in the face, with the last thing I wanted to hear.
Little did I know, it would be the beginning of a long 6 month period that would end in my parents separating.

Growing up, I would see marriages on TV fail, or watch as my friends walked through the pain of their parents getting divorced. While I was too young to completely understand it all, the one thing I knew, that I was sure of, was that my parents would never go through this. Their marriage was strong, and my family was close. No matter how hard things got, we would always be together.

Fast forward 20 years and the thing I thought would never happen, was happening.
My parents were separating.
My family was falling apart.

This experience has been anything but easy.
Over the past year I have been given information I didn’t want to hear, thrown into situations that were beyond my control, and watched as the world moved on around me, while I sat feeling broken and confused. I have cried myself to sleep. Hoped and prayed for a different outcome. Felt anger and rage that I wish didn’t even exist. And, at times, thought I couldn’t go on.

But, while this has been one of the most painful and challenging things I have ever walked through, just like He promised, God has carried me through and been faithful, even when I wasn’t.
Even more than this, He has taken this situation and used it to teach me, and cause me to grow in big ways.

With that being said, I thought I would share some of the things God has taught me, and ways He has used this experience to help me grow.

One thing I have learned is that playing the victim doesn’t help anybody. In a situation like this, it can be really easy to feel like the victim, and want others to feel sorry for you. I’ll admit, this is how I acted at the beginning. I was so hurt that I really didn’t want to do anything to help myself or what was going on around me. All I wanted was to sit in my pain, feel sorry for myself, and for others to feel sorry for me as well.
It took me a while, but I finally learned that living this way really doesn’t make anything better; it only makes it worse.
I realized that I had the choice to either continue to feel sorry for myself and play the victim, which would only lead to sitting in pain for a longer period of time, or I could stand up and do something about what I did have control over. Most of all, I learned that my life was never going to be the way I wanted it to be if I didn’t get up and work for it.

Something else I have learned is how much we really do need Jesus, and the importance of relying on Him. When I first found out about everything, my immediate reaction was to feel sad and hurt, be angry, and fall apart. I ran to everyone I knew, except God. I knew I needed Him; however, I was doing everything but going to Him for help and wisdom. I was trying to navigate dealing with the pain and various details apart from God. One night, I finally gave up trying to do it all on my own, and laid it down before Jesus. In that moment I remember feeling so much freedom. A lot of the pressure and pain went away. I felt like I could breathe and think straight again. It wasn’t some magical moment, it was just a realization of the reality that God doesn’t expect us to deal with pain or figure everything out on our own. He wants us to lean on Him, and in doing that, there is so much peace and freedom to be found.

Another thing God has been teaching me is the importance of thankfulness. Over the last few months, there have been many moments where I have felt like I have had nothing. This was especially true during the Christmas holidays. I felt like everything had been taken from me, and I was left, almost like Job, sitting naked and alone. Everything was different; nothing was normal. However, one thing I heard God whisper to me was, “Be thankful for what you do still have.” Even though at first it didn’t seem like much, when I started looking around, I realized I actually had so much to be thankful for. As crazy as it sounds, I think sometimes it takes feeling like you’ve had everything stripped from you to see how blessed you really are, and to be able to be truly grateful and see the beauty even in the little things. Even though it was one of the hardest Christmases I have experienced, I have never felt more full and thankful.
I think thankfulness is one of the best weapons we have against pain and grief.

The other day, I was thinking about yesterday, being 1 year since the whole process of the separation began, and today, being Family Day. As I thought about this I found myself all of the sudden feeling sad. However, when I took a moment to step back and analyze my feelings, I realized I wasn’t sad because of the situation. Instead, I was sad because it’s almost as if that’s what was expected. That’s the reaction I would expect to have, and others would probably expect me to have as well. As I realized this, it got me thinking. I think sometimes we find ourselves feeling things, not because it’s actually how we feel, but because it’s how we would expect ourselves to feel, or how others would expect us to react.
A couple days later, I read a quote by Lysa Terkeurst that says, “Satan wants us to believe the lie that if our circumstances fall apart so will we.” This quote couldn’t be more true. When our circumstances fall apart, often our first reaction is to fall apart as well. Most of the time it is to be expected, and just happens naturally. However, because we have the God who is bigger than anything in this world on our side, our situation doesn’t have to dictate our condition.
My family may be broken, but that doesn’t mean I have to be. Praise Jesus!

Something else I have learned is that it’s important to let yourself feel how you are feeling, and not suppress or deny it. If you pretend you aren’t feeling something, your emotions will find other ways to come out, and those ways aren’t always fun to deal with. However, with that being said, I have also learned that it’s unhealthy to let your emotions consume you. It can be easy to allow this when the emotions you feel are extremely intense, but the truth is that our emotions don’t control us and dictate what we do and how we act. No matter how we’re feeling, we have the choice when it comes to how we speak to others, how we choose to spend our time, what we choose to believe, and how much we choose to push ourselves when it comes to our responsibilities. It is our choice how much we let our emotions affect us.

Another thing I have learned is that sometimes time really does heal. I never really thought a lot about the concept of time before walking through this. However, one thing I have learned as a result of this situation over the last few months is that sometimes things really do take time. At first, everything in my life was changing. Nothing was normal or what I was used to. However, after letting some time pass, things that were different started to become my new normal. Over time I have been able to get used to the changes, and as I take time to examine how everything is now compared to how it was a few months ago, things aren’t as painful as they used to be.

Please don’t hear what I am not saying.
God has been so good. He has taught me a lot, and strengthened me more than I thought was possible.
However, that doesn’t mean that it’s not still hard at times, and that I don’t still wish it was different. It also doesn’t mean that I have it all figured out. Because I don’t.

If you are walking through something similar to what I am walking through. If you feel broken, angry, confused, and at the end of yourself. If you don’t have any clue how to go forward. I get it.
I’ve been there.
I’ve felt it.
And you need to know that it’s okay to feel the way you are feeling.
But you also need to know that it won’t be this way forever.
Jesus is literally bigger than what you are feeling and facing, and He can literally carry you through, and lead you right out the other side.

The Bible says, “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Jesus deserves all of the glory and praise for strengthening me, giving me wisdom, carrying me, and being faithful even when I wasn’t. His love is truly unconditional.
I wouldn’t have been able to walk through anything I have without Him.

So, back to Family Day.
By the grace of God, I actually had a really good day today.
I went skating and out to lunch with my mom and sister, and made dinner and played a game with my dad and sister.

God is good.